


fragments breaking the noise floor

by SincerelyChaos



Series: Saudade, dear [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationship to Life and Living, Breathplay, Character Study, Drug Use, M/M, Poetry, Romance, Self-Destruction, Sherlock-centric, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 04:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4006603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerelyChaos/pseuds/SincerelyChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Retellings of a lifetime's attempts to drown out the noise in his mind and the knowledge that the end is inevitable.</p><p>"The very ideas of Decadence, [...] of the 'cupio dissolvi', [the desire to dissolve], are perhaps no more than the extreme sadistic refinements of a milieu which was saturated to excess with complications of perversion."</p>
            </blockquote>





	fragments breaking the noise floor

**Author's Note:**

> I read the phrase 'sehnsucht' in 5pips breathtaking fic betitled this word and couldn't let it go. A beautiful comment by winteronmercury on my first attempt at poetry (things about bodies still alive) mentioned the word 'saudade' and I fell in love with it. I read the phrase 'cupio dissolvi' while researching self-detructive behaviors for a fic and the phrase stuck.
> 
> Because of these words and phrases, this happened. 
> 
> It's unhappy, unbetad and unplanned.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Sherlock, character developments and the issue of decide whether it's worth it or not to be alive when the noise is too loud and death is unavoidable anyway.

 

 

hypodermic skin-break

solutions that will degrade cognition

(if you don’t plan on being alive for so long, it won’t matter)

 

reduced nutritional intake

starvation response - it’s not a conscious choice

(- it is - it’s just not very effective when you detest weakness)

 

risking life to prove brilliance

is it really a risk if you don’t mind either way?

(but then there were you - you did mind, didn’t you?)

 

compose / _decompose_

moments of dissolve equals ‘escapism’

(violin strings equals heart strings for some)

 

 

_cupio dissolvi_

interrupted by ' _amazing'_

paused by ' _oh god yes'_

(a _pause_ is not a _stop_ \- do your research)

 

restricted air flow

it’s not the physical pressure that causes dyspnea

(your hand is relentless - releasing me from cognition)

 

emotional dysregulation

you’re inaudible through the noise floor in my mind

(this - _us_ \- should be enough to hold on to)

 

_(in fragments, it might be)_

 

The circle will break

turn into a spiral

in order to finally be allowed to end

_(I wish to be dissolved)_


End file.
